


Dave's Declassified School Survival Guide

by xslytherclawx



Series: the gang goes to public school [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, Canon Jewish Character, Canon LGBT character, Gen, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Secret Identity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-13
Updated: 2019-06-13
Packaged: 2020-05-02 11:50:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19198207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xslytherclawx/pseuds/xslytherclawx
Summary: Dave understood, of course, that all of the Hargreeves children – not just Klaus – weren't raised to be normal children, and probably missed out on some key elements of adolescence. He just wasn't aware just how much they'd all missed.And with them all attending public middle school and guarding secret identities, well, isn't it Dave's responsibility to help them?





	Dave's Declassified School Survival Guide

**Author's Note:**

> This is set about a week after _some kind of hero in disguise_ , though I don't necessarily think reading that is essential to understanding this. This is an AU wherein the Hargreeves go to public school when they're 12-13, and Dave is there because I just think Klaus should have some nice moments in his life.  
> Is this essentially a Ned's Declassified AU?  
> Yes. Yes it is.

“So,” Dave said one afternoon after drama club. “Did any of you guys ever go to public school before?”

“None of us have ever gone to  _ school _ before,” Klaus said. “I mean, I think Dad wanted the Umbrella Academy to be an actual  _ academy, _ but it was only ever the six of us, and Vanya. And for all of our actual, like, school stuff, Vanya was there, too. But it wasn’t, like, really school.”

“Okay,” Dave said, “but you’ve at least seen, like, a teen movie, right?”

Klaus shrugged. “I dunno. What do you mean by ‘teen movie’? We’ve never really been allowed to watch many movies, and even now, with Dad out of the country on  _ business, _ apparently – none of us have known where to start.”

“Have you seen  _ The Breakfast Club?” _

Klaus shook his head.

_ “American Pie?” _ It wasn’t the kind of movie he’d ever admit having watched to his parents, but it seemed like something the Hargreeves siblings would delight in sneaking out to watch.

“Nope.”

_ “But I’m A Cheerleader?” _

Klaus shook his head again. “Never heard of it.”

“Dude, you’d  _ love _ it. It’s – I know this sounds really bad and like, not funny at all, but it’s a comedy about a lesbian who gets sent to conversion therapy. But it’s really funny. It’s about how bullshit all that is, and – it’s really campy and fun, and I think you’d like it.”

“I know my dad never would have let any of us watch anything like that.”

“Okay,” Dave said. “We need to fix that. I’m gonna make a list of the most essential ones, and we’re gonna watch them.”

Klaus’s eyes lit up. “Could we have a sleepover?”

Dave knew it was probably a bad idea to have a sleepover with a guy you  _ knew _ you had a crush on – and who you knew was also bi, and thought probably had a crush on you, too – but he didn’t care. 

“Yeah, if my parents say it’s okay. Sure. I think that’d be a lot of fun.”

“Can we order  _ pizza?” _

“Sure?” Dave had never seen someone get so excited over pizza before – especially someone who had grown up in the city, like Klaus had. “Is there anywhere you like?”

“Pizza Hut?”

“Pizza Hut?” Dave repeated. He thought he’d had Pizza Hut once, when his family had gone out to visit his Aunt Riva for Pesach and their options for chametz after the holiday had ended were Pizza Hut and Olive Garden. He still kind of thought Olive Garden might have been the better choice.

Klaus frowned. “Is that not any good? I don’t know; I’ve never eaten there before.”

Had he never had  _ pizza? _ Dave didn’t even want to ask. It’d be too much of a shock to his system. “Well, uh, if you want Pizza Hut – we can ask my mom if we can get one from there and one from the place we normally order from.”

“Okay,” Klaus said. “Oh, and I can ask Allison to let us borrow some of her makeup! And the last time we were in Korea, Mom got us these  _ amazing _ face masks, and I know for a  _ fact _ that Luther’s never touched his. I can probably either steal it or trade it for something.”

* * *

Dave’s mother said yes, of course, so Klaus came over on Saturday afternoon. He was wearing a skirt. Dave had never seen him in a skirt before, but he couldn’t deny that it looked good on him. Somehow.

Klaus noticed him looking and did a little twirl. “You like it? I borrowed it from Allison.”

“I do,” Dave said. “Does Allison  _ know _ you borrowed it?”

“Of course,” Klaus said. “I asked when she was loaning me some makeup. But I probably would have borrowed it anyway.”

Dave’s dad didn’t say anything when he saw Klaus, but Dave really didn’t think he minded. His parents were pretty progressive, and they knew that  _ Dave _ was bi, and they loved and supported him. If anything, they were a little embarrassing about it.

“Oh, wow,” Dave’s mom said. “That’s a very nice skirt, Klaus.”

Klaus preened. “Thank you, Mrs. Katz. I borrowed it from my sister, so she’s the one who bought it. I think it’s Armani, though? Might be Dolce and Gabanna.”

Armani. Trust Klaus to wear an Armani skirt.

“Well, your sister has very good taste,” Dave’s mom said.

“That’s why I borrow her clothes,” Klaus said. “Oh! She just got this gorgeous black cashmere sweater I’ve been  _ dying _ to borrow!”

“Allison  _ does _ have a lot of nice clothes,” Dave said.

“And why should I buy my own when I can borrow hers?”

* * *

“So,” Dave said. “Here are the essentials.” He picked up the stack of DVDs from his bedside table and handed them over to Klaus. “I recommend starting with  _ The Breakfast Club, _ because it’s a classic.”

“Okay,” Klaus agreed easily. “And we’re supposed to, like, change into pyjamas and paint each other’s nails, and stuff, right?”

“It’s… one in the afternoon,” Dave said. “If you want to, we can.”

“I think it’d be fun – oh my god, wait, can I pick out your pyjamas?”

Dave considered it. Klaus  _ did _ seem really excited about it. And if his parents said anything about wearing pyjamas in the middle of the afternoon, he could claim it was a special occasion because Klaus was over. “Okay. As long as it fits.”

Which was how he ended up wearing one of Sam’s old URJ summer camp shirts, Invader ZIM pyjama pants, and Scooby Doo slipper socks. Then, in turn, he dressed Klaus in the most ridiculous pyjamas he could find – an old Backstreet Boys t-shirt, Lion King 2 pyjama pants (also one of Sam’s hand-me-downs), and Spongebob slippers.

They both looked ridiculous, but Dave didn’t actually care. Maybe Sam would tease them when he got home, but half of their pyjamas had been Sam’s to begin with. When they walked out to the living room, his father gave him a look. “Where did you get those pants?”

“Dave’s closet,” Klaus said.

“Do you mean mine or Klaus’s?” Dave asked. “Because mine are from the department store, and Klaus just wanted to wear Sam’s old hand-me-downs.”

“I like the cartoon lions,” Klaus said.

“Did you like the movie?” Dave’s dad asked.

“What movie?” Klaus asked.

_ “The Lion King Two,” _ Dave’s dad said.

“I’ve never heard of it,” Klaus said. He looked to Dave.

“You haven’t seen Disney movies, either?” Dave asked.

Klaus shook his head. “I told you: we never watched a lot of movies.”

“Well, now our list just got longer. Most of them aren’t very good, but you’d probably like some of them.”

“Do you boys want the TV?” Dave’s dad asked.

“We’re gonna watch  _ The Breakfast Club,” _ Dave said. “You can stay if you want.”

“I think I’ll give you two the room,” his dad said. “You still want Tony’s for dinner?”

“Klaus said he wants Pizza Hut, too, if that’s okay? To compare them.”

Dave’s dad ruffled his hair. “Only if I get to eat whatever’s left over.”

“I won’t tell Mom you’re eating from Pizza Hut.”

His dad smiled. “Attaboy.” He stood up with his book. “Well – have fun, boys.” He went to go upstairs.

“Why is your dad so  _ nice?” _ Klaus asked.

Dave thought his dad was pretty normal, but he knew that Klaus’s dad was anything but. “I’m just glad he’s not being embarrassing.”

“What kind of things does he do when he’s being embarrassing?” Klaus asked as he settled into the sofa.

“Dad jokes, mostly.” Dave went over to the DVD player and put in  _ The Breakfast Club. _ Then he grabbed the remote and went to sit down next to Klaus. “Are you ready to completely change your life?”

Klaus grinned. “Definitely.”

* * *

Things were fine until Dave got up to put in  _ Bring It On. _ As if from nowhere, Joey burst into the living room, apparently having decided that it was prime time to annoy them.

“Who are you?” he asked Klaus, like he hadn’t met him before.

Dave rolled his eyes. “Joey, you met Klaus last week.”

“Hi,” Klaus said. “I’m Dave’s friend. From school.”

“What do you want?” Dave asked his brother.

“Mom said you’re watching movies.”

“Yeah,” Dave said. “We are, but they’re really not the kind of thing you should be watching.”

Joey pouted, and Dave realised that Klaus wasn’t yet immune to Joey’s supposedly cute act. “Why not?”

“Because they’re all rated PG-13, and Mom and Dad would kill me if I let you watch them with us.”

“You’re not thirteen yet, either,” Joey said.

“I’m almost thirteen,” Dave said. Normally, he really wouldn’t mind Joey joining in, but this was supposed to be his time alone with Klaus.

“I don’t mind,” Klaus said.

“My parents would  _ kill _ me,” Dave said. “Joey, if you’re good, I’ll take you to see the new Pokémon movie when it comes out.”

“On opening night?”

“Sure,” Dave said.

Joey appeared to be considering it. “Fine. But you have to promise.”

“I promise,” Dave said.

Apparently appeased, Joey stole a handful of popcorn and ran out of the living room.

* * *

“Okay,” Klaus said as he shoved another slice of Tony’s classic cheese pizza into his mouth. “Your pizza is better than Pizza Hut.”

Dave grinned. “Glad to hear you have working taste buds.”

“Pizza is  _ so good, _ Dave. Why does anyone ever eat anything else?”

Dave thought about it. “I think maybe so you never get sick of pizza. That way, it always tastes that good.”

"I don't think pizza could ever  _not_ taste good."

* * *

Dave laid out a sleeping bag in the middle of his bedroom. It was Sam’s, really, but it was the most comfortable one they had.

“Ooh, can I sleep in that?” Klaus asked.

Dave didn’t know why Klaus  _ wanted _ to sleep in the sleeping bag. “My parents said to let you use the bed,” he said instead of asking outright.

“Yeah, but that’s a  _ bed. _ I sleep in a bed every night. I  _ want _ to sleep in the sleeping bag.” He affected the most adorable puppy dog eyes.  _ “Please, _ Dave?”

How was Dave supposed to refuse him? “Okay,” Dave said. “But let me know if you’re uncomfortable, and we can switch, no problem.”

“Okay,” Klaus said. “What else do people do during sleepovers?”

“Well,” Dave said, “We can turn off the lights and tell scary stories.”

_ “Or,”  _ Klaus said. “Could we watch another movie?”

“Maybe,” Dave said. “We can’t really go back out to the living room; we could wake my parents up. But we do have a portable DVD player in the hall closet I think I can probably grab.”

“Oh, that sounds fun!” Klaus said. “Can we do that?”

“Yeah, no problem,” Dave said. “Just give me a minute.” He ducked out of the room, went downstairs, grabbed the first DVD off of the stack of the unwatched ones (there was only so much time in the day, after all, and Dave’s parents had made them go to bed after  _ 10 Things I Hate About You), _ and found the portable DVD player in the hall closet.

He managed to get back to his bedroom and shut the door behind him without getting caught. “Got it!”

He settled in on the bed with Klaus, and they watched  _ Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. _ Afterward, Klaus settled into the sleeping bag, and the two of them talked until they fell asleep.

* * *

In the morning, Dave’s dad made pancakes with turkey bacon smiley faces. Dave thought it was kind of babyish, but Klaus was delighted.

“Do you eat like this  _ every _ morning?” Klaus asked between bites.

“Definitely not,” Dave said.

“Most of the time we just have cereal,” Sam said. 

“Yeah,” Joey agreed. “It’s just special because you’re here.”

Klaus, fortunately, glossed over that last bit and said, “You guys eat  _ cereal _ every morning? That’s even better!”

“How is that  _ better?” _ Joey asked.

“I can bring you some cereal at school on Monday,” Dave said. He was sure his parents wouldn’t mind, and they didn’t protest.

“Oh my god,  _ please!” _

“And you’re welcome over here any time you’d like, Klaus,” Dave’s dad said.

“You shouldn’t have said that,” Joey said. “Now we’ll never get rid of him.”

“Shut up, Joey,” Dave said. He, for one, didn’t see the problem with Klaus coming over all the time. As long as he still helped him with superhero things, he couldn’t see the harm.

It had nothing to do with his crush. Really.

**Author's Note:**

> Even though this work is marked complete, I will most likely update it with new chapters, so feel free to subscribe. There really isn't any greater overarching plot to tie it together, so updates may be sporadic at times, and will definitely vary in length, but it will definitely be more than one chapter.


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